she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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