Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
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You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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