Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he fucked my hip out of place.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
