woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
