i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
