I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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