either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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