Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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