she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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