Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
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I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
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If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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