I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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