1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
