Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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