when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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