Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
