...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
