wrigley field is MILF paradise
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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