That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
