the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
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She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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