My liver just broke up with me...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
