she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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