Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
