Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her