I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.