Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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