I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
