I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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