Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
