I'm going to jail i love you
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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