They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
