nut hugger
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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