Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
