That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We need to rekindle our bromance
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
