One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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