I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
