Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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