you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
