The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
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After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
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my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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