I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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