It's Friday. Sex?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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