I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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