if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
