Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
