I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The beer is more important than you right now.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
