the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
