areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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