You really coming over, don't trick.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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