I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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