I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
