I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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