I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
