I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Randomize
