ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
