Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
