last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
