Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
