guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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