You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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