Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
