I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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