i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
