just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
